Never Will I Ever, Vol. 2

It’s time for another round of things about cycling that either don’t appeal to me or that I find ridiculous or distasteful. Let’s start off gently with something that simply doesn’t appeal to me. Never Will I Ever …

Go Downhill Racing

Despite having had some success as a cross-country mountain bike racer, I am not a great technical rider on singletrack. Downhill racing is so far beyond my skill level that I would never consider it for a moment. But it does look cool! I’ve watched my fair share of downhill racing, especially when it was featured on Red Bull.tv.

Compete For Strava Segments

This was a stupid idea even before e-bikes flooded the market, so it’s a really stupid idea now. If you want to compete against your own times, then fine. If you want to compete against other people, then get together with them in the same place at the same time. You’re lying to yourself if you think people aren’t cheating on Strava. Motor doping is real.

Count Trainer Miles The Same As Outdoor Miles

Either the bike moved from one place to another or it didn’t. Time spent on stationary riding, no matter how closely it mimics outdoor riding, is just time. (For what it’s worth, I do count my treadmill miles the same as outdoor walking miles. I guess the difference is that treadmill walking still requires balance and is almost indistinguishable mechanically from outdoor walking.)

Install White Handlebar Tape

White handlebar tape is only for professional riders whose team mechanics wrap their bars with new tape before every race. They have money to burn. I don’t. You probably don’t either. Keep your bike looking clean, not like a cigarette butt on wheels.

Ride With A Mirror

If you’re the sort of person who gets startled by every passing vehicle, then by all means get yourself a mirror. I don’t have one and I don’t want one. I realize that I am sharing the road and that periodically I will be overtaken. I always ride as far to the right as I can; it’s the responsibility of drivers to pass me safely. The idea that a glance in the mirror would tell me I am about to be rear-ended and that I then would have time to make an evasive maneuver is laughable. Riding on open roads is a calculated risk, and mirrors don’t change the math.

Buy A Jersey With A Short Zipper

I demand full-length zippers on my jerseys. Full-zip jerseys are easier to put on and so much easier to take off when they’re wet with perspiration and sticking to your back like fly paper. And if you crash, then you’ll appreciate being able to slip out of your jersey instead of having it unceremoniously and expensively cut off at the hospital. I had a couple of jerseys with short zippers when I was a new cyclist, so I guess this one is really a Never Will I Ever Again.

Ride In A Sleeveless Jersey

Here’s another Never Will I Ever Again, because back in 2007 I actually wore a sleeveless jersey on the MS 150 Best Dam Bike Tour. This was not a Team Pedal Moraine thing; I was riding with a team put together expressly for that tour. When it was time to distribute the jerseys, the only one that would fit me was sleeveless. I didn’t feel good about it, but I wore the jersey in the spirit of team unity. I looked like the world’s ugliest female triathlete.

Ride With No Jersey At All

Riding with no jersey/shirt is a bad look. I’m a cyclist, not a 10-year-old boy on his way to the swimming pond. I don’t see a lot of this, but when I do it’s usually a middle-aged guy whose physique doesn’t merit any kind of public display. He probably doesn’t consider himself a “cyclist” but probably does consider himself a man whose driver’s license is suspended because of his latest DUI.